— Mark Critch, as quoted in a September 2006 guest column for The Independent newspaper.
•••I’ve written it before (last week, in fact) and I’ll write it again, Mark Critch is a funny Newfoundlander.
Which is saying somethin', because we’re all characters.
We’re all funny, or at least funny lookin’.
Excuse me — can’t help myself.
I’ve got to mention a couple more Critchisms:
“If we can get a Beatle because of the seal hunt, just think of how many of them are going to be here next year for the first annual ‘punch-a-beaver-in-the-stomach festival.’ Ah, it’ll be fun — we’ll have the puppy toss, kitten-kicking booth, just think of the stars who will come here for that.”
And this one …
“Pamela Anderson was in Canada to protest the seal hunt. She says she’s embarrassed to be Canadian because of the seal hunt. Like we’re so proud of her. She’s one to talk. Think of all the 15-year-old boys who’ve gone blind because of her.”
And one more …
“I met her (Pamela) at the Junos, and I remember someone telling me, ‘eye contact is important.’ She got all offended, saying, ‘Hey, my breasts are down here.’”
•••Seals are all over the national news today (March 10th) because a few of them are on the menu at the parliamentary restaurant in Ottawa.
There will be seal hors-d’oeuvres and a main course of seal, at a cost of $35 a plate.
I’m betting the seal won’t be billed as “ice rat.”
Provincial Fisheries Minister Clyde Jackman even put out a press release first thing this morning to say he would attend.
Talk about a pricey lunch, what with the tip and return flight.
But then that’s what ministerial expense accounts are for.
And I’m sure yet another photo opp will be worth it.
•••Make no mistake: this story boils my Bay blood.
Again — the federal Conservatives had a real chance to stand up for the commercial seal hunt last year when they entered into free trade talks with the EU.
The Harper government could have told the EU it would walk away from the trade talks if the EU banned the importation of seal products, which it did.
The Conservatives did nothing.
Where do the Liberals stand?
Let’s see — Liberal Senator Mac Harb plans to reintroduce his bill to ban the seal hunt in Canada.
Then, in reaction to Mac Harb’s bill, the Prime Minister’s Office accused Michael Ignatiff of playing politics with the seal hunt.
What a joke.
According to Jane Taber of The Globe and Mail, PMO strategists also suggest the Liberal Leader is a weakling for not being able to unite his caucus on an issue that he says he supports.
No doubt he is.
But I wonder why Steve Harper couldn’t unite his caucus behind a province that he supports — Newfoundland and Labrador?
A bigger joke.
Now there’s news that a member of Nunavut’s legislative assembly — South Baffin MLA Fred Schell — proposes a ban on liquors imported from the European Union to counter the EU’s ban on Canadian seal products.
That would mean no Guinness or Champagne.
Schell says the economic impact of the ban on EU liquor may not be huge (so tiny as to barely register, in fact), but it will get the message across.
As a Guinness drinker (at the Duke anyway), I’m done with it.
But as a Newfoundlander, I can’t help but think what we really should ban are federal Liberals and Conservatives.
•••I end off with a quote from another Newfoundland funny man, Rick Mercer, who had this to say at the April 2007 Feast of Crosbie in St. John’s:
“Support Easter Seals, club harp seals.”